Anyone who has known me for a substantial period of time knows that I grew up never wanting to have kids of my own. Just didn’t have any desire whatsoever to raise children. People called me selfish and told me that one day that would change…and I just laughed at them and told them to watch and see how my life turns out.
Well, that lasted for about 27 years, and then it actually “turns out” that things do change. Around the age of 28 I did some soul searching and realized that my desire to not have children was not based on an actual desire to do something different with my life. Instead, I found that it was based on an inherent fear I had of not being able to be a good father. I was literally terrified of failing. So much so, that I would rather not even get into the game than to take my chances swinging and striking out. So, after spending 27 years planning not to have children, I have spent the last 8 years doing everything I can to prepare myself for something that I never thought I wanted.
Even with all of the planning, when Sonia walked into the room the day after our 4 year wedding anniversary and said that she had just gotten a positive on the pregnancy test…I realized that no amount of preparing could have gotten me ready for the emotions that instantly flooded through me. Excitement, fear, nervousness, happiness, and even a bit of sadness as I realized that my child would never know the amazing influence his/her grandmother (my mom) would have been in their life. After the whirlwind of emotions stopped swirling, they all finally settled into a mix of comical determination.
It was comical because we had just had the conversation about being ready to start a family like 2 weeks prior. If I were to be completely honest, I don’t think either of us thought it was going to happen that quickly. However, the more I thought about it, the funnier it became. I mean, you had a Black man and a Hispanic woman getting together and actually trying to have a child…I figure that we have to be two of the most fertile groups of people on earth, so I don’t know why we were so surprised! As a wise man once told me, “You keep putting in the work and you’re gonna eventually get paid!”.
“You keep putting in the work and you’re gonna eventually get paid!”. ~ Jon Brown
An overwhelming feeling of determination kicked in right after that, though. The reality quickly set in that my life was about to completely change and present me with the most important challenge I’ve ever faced. And with that challenge, I am determined to make the most of this incredible blessing. I understand that God is giving me the opportunity to face my old fears head on and be the father that He knows I can be…and I can’t wait for March to get here so I can get started!
I am so excited about what God has done for Sonia & myself, and I am looking forward to seeing where He is taking us. While on this journey, I wanted a way to share my experiences in the hopes that it will encourage the next person coming up to bat behind me, or others who may be at different stages in their own personal journey. So, I’m dedicating this website to the continued growth (spiritually & numerically) of the English Tribe, and I hope that you will join me on this amazing adventure we call life.